A stepfather is grappling with a difficult decision regarding his 22-year-old autistic stepson, who has exhibited violent behavior in the past. As Thanksgiving approaches, the stepfather’s wife has expressed her concerns about the potential impact of including her son at the family gathering. This situation raises questions about familial obligations and personal safety.
The stepson has a history of living with his father and stepmother for half of his life, during which time his stepmother, known as “Protecting My Peace,” was an active participant in his upbringing. She attended classes, drove him to appointments, and made efforts to be a supportive figure. However, as he matured, his behavior became increasingly volatile.
Over the past few years, he has caused significant damage in their home, including putting holes in walls and breaking furniture. Most troubling, he has displayed threatening behavior, including a direct threat to his stepmother and online stalking of one of her daughters. After these incidents, Protecting My Peace felt compelled to set boundaries for her family’s safety.
In light of these events, she requested that her husband find alternative living arrangements for his son, which he did. Despite this, he has continued to hope for reconciliation, believing that his son has made progress and deserves a chance at redemption.
While both parents have engaged in therapy to address their complex family dynamics, family therapy with the stepson came to an abrupt end when he refused to include her in the process, stating that she is “not his mom.” This led to minimal contact over the past two years between Protecting My Peace and her stepson, alleviating some of the stress she had been experiencing.
Now, with Thanksgiving approaching, her husband has suggested inviting their son to join the family celebration, which includes young children and grandchildren. Protecting My Peace has firmly stated that if her stepson is present, she and her children will not attend.
She emphasizes that her fear outweighs her compassion at this moment and has indicated that she would reconsider her stance only if there were consistent family therapy and observable change in his behavior over time. The situation has put her in a challenging position, as she is aware of her husband’s emotional pain regarding the estrangement from his son.
In addressing this dilemma, Annie Lane, a columnist known for her advice on family matters, reassures Protecting My Peace that her feelings are valid. She highlights that it is not selfish to prioritize safety and boundaries, especially in light of past threats.
“Your compassion for him is clear,” Lane notes. “Wanting distance now does not erase that love. It means you finally listened to your own limits.”
Lane advises Protecting My Peace to communicate to her husband that she supports his relationship with his son but cannot participate in family gatherings until significant progress is made. Establishing boundaries is crucial for individuals managing complex and painful histories, and it can be a path toward healing for all involved.
This situation underscores the importance of balancing personal safety with familial relationships, particularly in families facing the challenges of mental health and behavioral issues. As the holiday approaches, Protecting My Peace must navigate this emotional landscape while prioritizing the well-being of her children and herself.
